Empty Handed
by projectofmyowndesign
Summary: So at the end of mokingjay we only hear that Peeta and Katniss find their way back to each other, but this is how I think they do. Angst, romance. Rated M for some language, scenes, and sexuality. This will not be a full lemon story. Please message and comment!
1. Chapter 1

_Tick. Tock. _

I'm not sure how long it's been since I've come through, but something tells me by the stench it's been a little too long. The sounds around me are faint, kind of unfamiliar as I gaze around at the décor of the walls. Something says home but it's not home to me. There's a clatter in the kitchen but I know who it is – Greasy Sae. Up on the wall above the doorway is a clock – the second hand moves so slow I'm sure it's not even working, but the mere thought of that thing sickens me to the core. District 12 was one of the poorest – the poorest in fact, we never had clocks; at least not us. We only received it after we came back from the 74th hunger games – the very games that defiled and ruined lives. But it was us who saved Panem somehow.

A voice that I remember rings through as the front door swings open, even though the stench of alcohol alone would be enough cue. Haymitch. "Well well well," exclaims Haymitch, staggering as he leaned against the doorway to what appears to be the living room. "Look who finally came through." I do nothing but scowl, in which he seems to think is absolutely hilarious because he's near rolling. "And definitely herself. Who would've thought." A small seep of hopefulness shines in his eyes for a second, and I hear Sae suggest him to go to the kitchen.

How long had I been out? The last I remember the air smelt of death and the harsh winter held no remorse. My hands ran along my stomach, flat to the point that my rips were protruding though it didn't look as bad as when I was younger. When have I ate? How did I eat? Faintly I make out some of what Haymitch and Greasy Sae are saying, but it doesn't interest me. Nothing does.

I stand, slowly and have to hold myself on the back of the couch before I fall over. My muscles are weak and aching but I need to clean up – this is ridiculous. The stairs seem to drag on forever as I finally make my way to the hallway. I know where to go which is weird; this place still seems foreign and empty. In the Master bedroom I find it to be perfectly kept up and made, which means either I was never in here or Greasy Sae did a good job at keeping it together. Up on the wall are pictures of the old times, when distric 12 wasn't rubble but still dead – but it was complete then. My gray eyes fall onto the center picture, and the heart I thought I had lost sank into the pits of my stomach. Trembling fingers fell onto the metallic frame as I fought back a reign of emotion. _Prim. _

How many times have I seen her death flash into my mind? How many times had I seen Gale , the person who was supposed to be my best friend, end her precious life? The life I fought two hunger games to protect. How long had it been? I shake my mind of the living nightmares and make my way to bathroom. Fancy, a little too much, but nothing compared to the Capitol. I turned the faucet on to warm the chilled water and could hear the quietness from downstairs.

I undressed, peering into my reflection. In did not look like the girl I was two years ago. I was determined to protect my family and die if it meant my sister had another chance. My fingers traced the scars visible on my olive skin and my hair stood on ends. It was a wonder I was alive, and the mere echo of Effie's disturbed words flash into my mind from the day my world began to fall apart.

_May the odds be ever in your favor. _

The odds were never. How could someone call this life – without my family for the matter, my _sister. _Ragged breaths, before I climbed into the hot shower and instantly shuddered. I washed myself clean, paying extra attention since it was un-telling how long it had been since I had. My hands lathered my hair and it wasn't to my surprise that the water was a dark color from the dirt.

Once done I stepped out and wrapped myself in a robe. I never owned one until now, due to Effie's insisted manner of how my life would be hell-bent if I hadn't. I had to admit, though, the soft plush teased my delicate flesh and kept me warm from the still chilled air. That's when my eyes trailed to the window, peering outside. To my surprise the ground was clear with a hint of dew on the still dead grass. By the position of the sun it was nearing the afternoon, when the lasting effects of winter's night turned into a hope – like spring. _Like a dandelion. _

I felt the pits of my stomach knot up, having to force myself to hold back tears. My association of the people I cared about and flowers was something from my father – after all, Prim and I were named after plants ourselves. Pushing back the _dandelion _thought, because if I began to question even more it was un-telling if I would relapse back to a state of comatose.

I got myself dressed, pants and a long sleeved shirt to fight the chill. My fingers played with the strains of hair until I formed a braid and let it hang over my right shoulder. In the mirror clothed I looked normal, the me before the war when things were a simple kind of bad. But it didn't hide the scars on my heart or soul, the ever-ending nightmare that haunted me in wake or sleep. Taking a deep breath, my feet carried me down the stairs. The mummers in the kitchen were only among a whisper, but there seemed to be someone else. I turned the hall towards the kitchen, eyes squinting to the brightness of the kitchen due to the large windows.

A ghost. That's what I must have been. Three pairs of eyes stared at me, as if trying to register my reaction. The first one I saw was Greasy Sae. Long, slender fingers trembled and she gave a faint, worried smile. Haymitch, who looked 10 years sober looked distraught, before moving to a position as if he had to move he could. The next eyes haunted my dreams and gave me life yet took it away. Breath-taking blue, as deep as the sky and as soft as the day he confessed to a nation of his _love. _

Peeta. _Peeta. _The boy with the bread. The boy I fought to keep alive. The boy who wrapped his hands around my neck and tried to kill me. _My Dandelion. _A wave of confusion and nausea hit me hard as I tried to regain control. My instinct was to scream, cry, fight.

"Katniss…" Hearing my name roll off his tongue stabbed me right through the chest. He was trying to gather himself, looking to Haymitch who just shook his head in respond. My only response was to run. Turning my heels I made my way for the door, barely stopping to pull on my boots. The scampering in the kitchen was mad, but when the chilled after morning air hit my cheeks it inspired me even more to run.

"Katniss!" There was no mistaking, that voice was Peeta and it only made me think of the Arena – him calling out to me thinking I was dead. I didn't stop – I wouldn't stop. I made my way to the woods, the only safe haven I had before the revolution. Fight or flight – they were chasing me. But that made me run even harder. My arms moved the thickened brush before I finally collapsed, falling at the trunk of a tree, losing my emotions. Tears streamed my face as I slipped all consciousness.

"Over here!" Haymitch's voice echoed in my head, sounding as if I was in a room. My hands held the sides of my head as I rocked back and forth, unable to control the distraught I felt. Two more sets of feet trailed, stopping at a distance, but only for a minute – it wasn't long until I heard one step closer. "Peeta.." Haymitch whispered softly, and I can feel their eyes burning holes in me.

That's when it went black. I felt my body sub come to the darkness and I fell back. Strong, sturdy arms caught me in the all too familiar embrace. The smell of flour and vanilla churned the pits of my stomach as delicate but deadly fingers ran the length of my face.

"She's still here…" His voice. It gave light to the darkness and for a second I wanted to open my eyes but I felt scared – of what, him trying to kill me? "Let's go back." The uneven walking lit fire to the flame and I knew I would stay this time.


	2. Chapter 2

_"__To this day, I can never shake the connection between this boy, Peeta Mellark, and the bread that gave me hope, and the dandelion that reminded me that I was not doomed."_

I slowly drift awake and, for the first time I realize how weak I really am. Strong arms are wrapped around me, and it all seems too familiar. I can smell the vanilla and yeast, the leftover stench of coal burnt in an oven. For a minute I don't move because well, this was the only place I felt safe around a year ago. Steps move from the kitchen and towards where we are, in which I'm guessing the living room. Peeta shifts, making me move so he knows I'm awake.

"Hi…" When my eyes meet his, deep blue and worried, a part of me wants to smile back.

"Hi." Is all I say, and I can see and feel his body untense beside me. Greasy Sae is beside me, an uneasy smile and glass of water. I gladly accept and take a sip, before moving from Peeta's embrace. I look down, thinking back to when I had seen him this morning and ran off. Why was I running from the only thing I wanted to see and protect?

"Sweetheart…" The staggered voice of Haymitch catches my attention as I catch him sitting by the window seat. "It's nice to have you back." His expression softens, looking almost sober until he takes a swig of scotch in his glass.

It was quiet, my fingers traced my palm as I bit my lower lip. What should I say? What could I say? Thank you for taking care of me in my state for however long it has been? The silence was uncomfortable, before Peeta cleared his throat and stands up.

"Are you hungry?" There is a pain in his eyes, and I know exactly what it is. He sees the skin and bones under my clothes, the same way I had earlier. I nod, trying to avoid his gaze.

"Good," he paused, as if pondering for a second. "Cheese buns coming right up."

I smiled, a weird feeling to my lips. I loved cheese buns, especially Peeta's cheese buns. Greasy Sae offered to help and before I knew it, it was me and haymitch alone in the living room. I stood up, as if looking to unfamiliar place that I had called home for a while now.

"Take your time, sweetheart." His voice is strict, almost fatherly. When I turn to him he's looking towards the kitchen. "Don't make him lose you again. It kills him. And don't run away from him. It's taking a lot out of him to get over what he did to you." The realization hit me. All this time in my slumber, my lose state of mind Peeta was worried, feeling like his was fault.

"How is he…" I swallowed a lump, refraining from the memories of a different Peeta, a mutt created by the capitol to destroy me.

"Getting there." Haymitch examines me, before standing up and walking towards me. "He still has episodes, but he has some control now." Placing a hand on my wrist before I tried to walk away, he looked at me sympathetically. "He needs you to be there for him, katniss. He needs you to help him, you know."

"Why, so he can wring my neck again?!" I spat out, almost afraid of my own high voice. I was beginning to tremble, being pulled into a hug.

"No, so he can help you. Do you remember everything, Katniss, or only your nightmares?"

I remembered the boy with the bread, the dandelion that gave me hope. I remember my first kiss to him for the capitol. I remember the way it felt when I woke up after the Third Quarter Quell and he wasn't there. I remember praying for his safety and watching the capitol use him against me. I remember running to reunite with him after he was rescued and his trying to kill me – a time too many. But I remember him coming back… and then he lost me. The nightmare was more than I could take.

I lost Prim to Gale's bombing, I lost the real Peeta to the capitol. I lost myself to the flight of war. I couldn't conceal the tears that ran down my face, and it hurt Haymitch to see it. It wasn't long before I felt his rough thumb wipe the tears from my hot cheeks, before he smirked. "C'mon, no need to cry. Where's the tough girl that almost took my fingers off on the bus?"

I forced a smile but decided to not show anything other than that. It's not like I hadn't cried before – it was just that now it seemed it was all I did. It wasn't long before the smell of cheese buns waived through the air and my stomach growled, making me wonder how long it had been since I had a real bite of food. Peeta was picking up the kitchen and Sae was doing the dishes, and my eyes wandered to the outside.

"How long has it been?" I guess I didn't need to say anything else, because Haymitch took a swig of his drink.

"It's been about four months." He saw the look of confusion on my face, and gestured me to sit down by the window. Once I did, he continued. "When the war was over, and they rebuilt some of the district we came back. Your mother, unable to cope with the loss of Prim, stayed in district 2. Gale works there, too, as a Peacekeeper of sorts. " Haymitch must have saw the look of disgust when he mentioned Gale's name, because he paused and signed. "I told him to stay away for a bit… because of what happened. He wishes you to be better," His hand is on my shoulder now, giving it a small squeeze.

"Peeta's been talking with Dr. Aurelius to help. Which, sweetheart, let's be honest… you need to talk to him, too." Dr. Aurelius was out doctor in District 13. He helped us all in the rebellion and now is helping Peeta. I didn't want to see him though. I didn't want someone telling me my problems and how to help because let's be honest – there was no helping from the nightmare that I've lived.

"No," that was as good as it got right now. I shrugged off Haymitch's hand and leaned against the window ceil, giving him a cold look. At some point or another, Peeta must have entered the living room because he was giving Haymitch a look.

"It's okay Katniss, only when you're ready." Something about this boy, Peeta, and his way with words or the blue of his eyes, it made me forget the angst I just felt. I only nodded, looking to his strong hand that reached for my own. "Cheese buns are done." I took his hand, following him to the kitchen like a lone lost puppy.

I swear if there were anyone else in the house I would have been called a pig, but Sae just laughed and Peeta did nothing more but smile triumphantly. I devoured those delicious cheese buns until my stomach was in a knot and I couldn't hold any more. The rest of the time I listened to them talk, listened to breeze shift the blinds and before too long the sun was beginning to set.

"Well sweetheart, I better go to the hob and stock up and go home. " I didn't mind that Haymitch was leaving, the stench of the alcohol was beginning to make my stomach turn. I simply nodded, and Peeta shook his hand in the sense that Peeta does. Greasy Sae smiled warmly at me, playing with her own fingers.

"I can stay again tonight Katniss, if you want." Her eyes were tired and the bags under them were black. She had spent time here tending after me as I was out in my own world. I gave her a smile and squeezed her hand, shaking my head.

"I think I'm okay. Go and get some rest." I looked away, almost shyly. "Thank you."

"It was the least I could do." Tears welled in her eyes before she gave me a big hug, before leaving with Haymitch. Now it was just me, this frail and broken mess and Peeta, the only thing I could call home.

"Well, this must have been an exhausting day for you. Why don't you go upstairs and go to bed. I'll finish up here and lock up once I ge—"

"Peeta…"

"…t done. If you need me I live on the other side of Hay—"

"Peeta…" I was smiling, he seemed to be a bit nervous.

"…mitch's… uh.. yes?"

"Stay with me?" I don't know why my heart was racing, or my knees were weak, or why I felt the need to cry. Peeta's face lit up, though he seemed like he was unsure before he looked down to me, his ocean blues meeting my gaze. He pulled me into an embrace, resting his chin onto my head.

"Always." He whispered into my hair, making my knee's buckle and tears stream my face.

We stayed like that for what must have been hours, because before I had known it we were sitting on the couch in front of the fire, and the next thing I knew I woke up to the sun shining in my eyes, and the smell of a baker under my body.

I hadn't had a nightmare that night. Because my nightmare was now.


	3. Chapter 3

I laid in the silence of the morning, the smell of burnt wood in the pit and vanilla yeast made a homey feel. I tried not to move too much so I wouldn't wake Peeta – who seemed like he was resting well for the first time in a long time. I slowly and carefully moved my head so I could gaze down to his perilous sleeping face. He looked so peaceful, so happy. Shaggy blonde locks ran into his long lashes, and the beating of his heart was subtle under his broad chest. I felt myself smile, for the first time in a long time, as I swept his bangs and let my fingers rest on his strong jawline.

_Always. _His pale lips curved at the corners, those deep ocean blues opening to look at me. "Good morning, Katniss." I let my fingers trace his jaw before pulling myself up off of him, noting the reluctant look on his face.

"Good morning," I murmured, allowing my fingers to play with the end of my messy braid. Peeta sat up next to me, running his left hand through his hair to tousle his locks.

"How'd you sleep?" He wasn't looking at me now, using his feet to cover the last of the ash in the fire pit.

"Good," I smiled a bit, watching him closely. "How about you?"

He turned to me, all seriousness played across his face. "It's the best I've slept since the Third Quarter Quell in the cave." My heart dropped, causing my eyes to look away from his burning hues to gather myself. Peeta always had a way with words, was such a romantic. Thinking back to it now, to how he proclaimed his love to me on the stage of the first hunger games and showed it, even when he knew I wasn't feeling the same – or was I?

I could have fooled myself. I could have fooled anyone. The way I acted when Peeta hit the force field and Finnick revived him, or when I went a little stir crazy when I was rescued and the Capitol took Peeta.

_"__I must have loved you a lot." _

_"__You did."_

_"__And did you love me?"_

_"__Everyone says I did." _

"I need to go make sure Haymitch is still alive." He broke the silence, standing and straightening his shirt. "Why don't you get a shower or sleep or whatever you need. I'll bring some rolls and then you tell me what you want to do. Oh, and maybe call Dr. Aurelius."

The expression of my face must have made him laugh. He grabbed my hand, entwining his fingers in mine and pressing them to his cheek. "I'm so glad you're back, Katniss." His eyes screamed that he missed me, but he kept it to that. I just nodded, offering a small smile before he let my hand go and walked off.

"I'll be back around.. 10 or so." I just stood there like a fool, not saying a thing – doing what I did best. A part of me wanted to curl up into a ball and wait for him to get back. A part of me wanted to tell him not to leave – in fear of the nightmares.

Once the door had opened I made myself go and get another shower and get dressed – this time in a pair of dark brown pants and a short sleeved black shirt. I even put on my boots today, which was an unfamiliar feeling. As my fingers worked to lace them up, an almost primeval instinct crept into my. I wanted to hunt. I needed to hunt. Something told me that I couldn't, though – not with the memories that will haunt me of the forest.

Time passed by slowly, the silence in the house was driving me a bit stir crazy. I still looked to all the pictures in the house. There were some of my mother and my sister, Prim. There was even a picture of gale. Suddenly, my fingers went to my chest and found the gold locket that Peeta had given me at the Quell. I opened it up, and there it was. A picture of my mother, one of Prim, and one of Gale. _A picture of the people closest to you. _

I'm not sure what happened or why I was so agitated, but my fingers clasped the locket closed and I ripped it off from around my neck, tossing it aimlessly in the room. I was angry, at myself perhaps – or at the thought. Peeta did everything he could for me to make me strong, to make me happy – and all I had done was put him last.

I thought back to Haymitch, what he had said to me one day and tried to push back the tears. _You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him. _Haymitch was right. The thought stung through my heart. My back rested against the wall, trying to pull myself together.

The sound of birds outside caught my attention. I realized that, aside from taking off from the house yesterday I hadn't been outside. I opened the front door, squinting to the sun. Again the grass was painted with dew and the air was chilly. It was spring, I had known as much. The transformation of the district was shocking. The last time I remember stepping foot here the rubble was on fire and there wasn't a building left.

I only saw a few houses. Mine, then Haymitch's a bit farther, and a third house. I assumed it was Peeta's house. Haymitch's looked to be a bit messy. The yard was unkempt and the goats were barely in the container with the poor fence job. Bottles of booze were just thrown into a trash can outside of a window, probably the window to his living room.

It was making me laugh, typical Haymitch house. I began to make my way towards it, because I had heard that Peeta was going there. Perhaps it would be a good thing to get out. The walk wasn't far, but a good one – especially to someone who was knocked out and not all here for a few months.

A crash. Broken glass? Furniture was shifting around and I could hear Haymitch yelling something unintelligible. Then I saw it, from the window off of the porch. Peeta was hunched over the couch, shaking and murmuring. Haymitch just picked a piece of glass from his arm, giving a look to Peeta.

"Damn son. You could ease up on the old man you know." Why wasn't he helping him?! I slammed through the front door and tried to make my way to Peeta.

"Peeta! Peeta what happened?! Are you alright?! Help him, Haymitch!" I was exasperated! I wasn't sure what was going on, only that now the look on Haymitch's face was fear, and the look on Peeta's was something I only saw in my nightmares.

"Katniss" He hissed, his knee's buckling under him. He was fighting with himself and I knew all too well what was going on.

"Sweetheart, go!" Haymitch lunged himself at Peeta to hold him back before he lunged at me. I was frozen with fear, this wasn't the man that left my house a few hours ago. This was the mutt created by the capitol to break me, to kill me.

I stared one last time into his blackened eyes, the disgusted look on his face before I ran out the front door. Never turning back or looking back. I just continued to run as far away from it all as I could. Far away from reality.


	4. Chapter 4

** Sorry it took so long for chapter 4! I was doing final exams in college and chasing after my little one! I'll try to do a chapter a week. **

By the time I stopped running I was at the lake my father used to take me as a child. My knees gave in as I fell to the ground, writhing with agony. I couldn't hold back the tears or fight the confusion or even try to embrace my reality. Everything was fine until Peeta and I entered the 74th Hunger Games. Then when he proclaimed his love and the Capitol went wild… we defied them, used our story against them and they used Peeta against me. They knew I'd break, especially if it were Peeta coming after me. I couldn't hurt him.

_Why. _Why couldn't I? The many nights I fought to keep him alive because he saved my life? Because he deserved it? Because I _loved _him? I tried to calm my anxiety and try to remember this wasn't Peeta's fault, and it wasn't mine either. The only blame could be placed on the very thing that didn't exist anymore.

Once the trembles left my body and my eyes weren't so swollen, I gazed into the lake, to my reflection. The water was clear and blue, and in the island in the middle were the flowers I was named from, _Katniss. _Memories flooded my mind and took me back to when I was younger, when my father was still alive. I remember the way my mother and father had been, how every day it was the same routine – a kiss on the nose and a plate for him to eat. My father, in a way, reminded me of Peeta. Or should I say Peeta reminded me of my father. He was strong but sensitive, wise but weak. He had a heart of gold and dirty hands.

I was calm, enough to realize that I had been out here so long that it was beginning to turn dark. The sun, well hidden behind the tall trees no longer brought warmth to my pale skin but instead, created a light for the way home. I couldn't run away from my problems forever, or should I want to. Peeta was faithful by my side and I need to be by his, even if he tries to kill me. My gray eyes gave a final look to the lake, darker in color as the sun hid, and I couldn't help but smile.

It wasn't long before I came back from the forest and reached the opening to the houses. Only a light was on at Peeta's, in which I figured was because he had calmed down and Haymitch was tending to him. The knot in my stomach grew tighter as I approached, and it was as if Haymitch's keen sense knew I was coming. He held up a hand, telling me to stop before I let the screen door open. Peeta was bruised and patched up. At first, with his eyes closed, I thought he was asleep, then I realized he knew I was there too. A soft whimper escaped his lips, before I saw the tear fall down his fleshed cheek. Not caring, I came on in, not looking to Haymitch but placing a hand on Peeta's cheek.

"Don't," I was sure the sound wasn't audible, but he just looked away. "It's fine, Peeta…"

"No, it's not." His tone was sharp, something I had never heard of towards me. "If you took off running, like you usually do, obviously Katniss, it's not." The words stung, making my heart drop and my eyes burn. Haymitch looked over to me, a sad smile on his lips and his eyes read he was sorry. I took a deep breath, clearing my throat so our coach could leave. Reluctantly, after both mine and Peeta's eyes burned into him, he walked into the kitchen.

"Peeta." I tried to be soft, but with his stubborn attitude I couldn't. "Peeta!"

"I'm a monster." He replied, his sad blue hues finally looking into my own.

"Peeta, no, you're not." I grabbed his hand, holding one in-between both of mine, and tried to offer a comforting smile. "C'mon, we both know if you really wanted to, it would have taken more than just Haymitch to hold you back. You're strong, Peeta… Stronger than any man I know." He smiled a bit, letting his fingers rub my palm.

"And you're crazy, Katniss. The craziest woman I know." I laughed a bit, resting my forehead on our hands.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ran." It was a whisper, and there was nothing. I could feel Peeta's eyes stare at my face and it felt like home, but I knew he understood and accepted it.

"Don't be… You came back, didn't you? You always came back." This was true. I always made sure I could find him and help him… save him…. Protect him. He seemed like he was pleased, that I was here now, facing his demons and sharing with him that everything would be alright.

"And you came back too." I reminded him. That very moment was only me and Peeta. There was a feeling my stomach that made my heart race and my skin flush. It was just us, eye to eye and hand in hand, lost in a moment. I only felt this way one other time, in the cave at the second Hunger Games. I wanted to lean towards him, place my lips to him and kiss him. Kiss him so deep and passionately that we forget the hell we're in.

He must have saw that and felt that way too. He took his free hand and brought my head down to him, a ragged breath before his placed his lips to mine and rekindled the fire. I thought for sure I was going to go up in flames, but just as soon as it started it all ended with the sound of Haymitch clearing his throat.

As we pulled apart we saw him standing in the doorway, brows raised with a smirk on his lips. "You know… it's more polite to ask someone to leave before jumping at it. But I'll take this as my queue to go…" The blush on my face was evident, but I'm sure Peeta's was worse. I couldn't help but laugh, at our faces and our arrangement. Apparently Haymitch thought this was hilarious, because he was laughing and nudged Peeta.

"You can stay." I blurted out, which made the air a bit more awkward now as I pulled myself away from Peeta and brushed some strains of hair behind my ear.

"Now sweetheart… you can't throw yourself at him and then just up and leave. There are consequences."

"I didn't throw myself at him…"

Apparently I was missing something. Peeta glared at Haymitch which just made this whole conversation more confusing. By this time Haymitch had to hold himself up against the wall as he was laughing. Peeta just laughed a bit now, maybe due to my face. It was carefree, and for the moment I wasn't sitting there thinking about the mutt created by the capitol or the state of where I am or what I've lost. I was thinking about how I could look forward to this for the rest of my life.


End file.
